You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

Feel free not to read this

Part 1 - Christian Gay-Haters
I've been thinking about this for quite some time, and in reality I think Christian Gay-Haters who say "you're going to hell!" and random freaking comments like that aren't really Christian. By saying those things, they've technically just broken one of the most important commandments: love your neighbors as yourself. Not meaning to get all spiritually into it, but I'm just bringing the fight back to those who actually excuse their horrible behavior to gay people simply by saying it's a sin. For one, just as mentioned earlier, it's a commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus also said this means your enemies or anyone you know; homosexual or not this commandment applies. Another point I bring to these people is the fact that everyone, yes I mean EVERYONE, commits sin. Does that mean EVERYONE goes to hell? No, it means we should but Jesus saved EVERYONE, including homosexuals, anyone who is willing to believe, from their sin. Christian gay-haters not only give Christians a bad name, but prevent the gay community from joining with the Christian community! Conservative movements would prefer them separated, yes, but sin is just a bad aspect of our lives. Whether it's through lying, murder, homosexuality, disobeying your parents, and much more, it's all sin. Gays should not be kicked/kept aside from the Christian community due to their sin; or the Christian community would be composed of no one. Zilch. Nada.

Part 2 - Adjusting
As many of you know, I moved a good half-year ago from New Jersey to Colorado. Big change, right? Hard to believe I adjusted without much trouble at all. I sit and usually observe why these things happen. First off, adjusting isn't so bad, most of it's learning how to accept how things are there without openly saying, "oh _____ (previous place) was like this, i prefer that," just take it how it is, compare in your head, but don't bring it up unless you're asked. I frankly think it annoys people unless they specifically ask for it, through experience. I've done it, I openly compare things way too often for my liking; force of habit. But it's not like that many people care about the tiny little differences no one tends to notice. Another thing I've noticed about simply getting used to things is to allow yourself to open up. 'Course, took me a good month to sit with almost anyone either day in the block scheduling, but randomly just sitting/talking with people always works. They usually don't question too much, so it's all good. I really don't have much to say here, this is stuff I think of on the spot =P Ooh I thought of one while on part 6. ANYWAYS, one way to better adjust is join a crapload of things, and make sure they're things you'll 1) have friends in and 2) will actually enjoy. If you won't enjoy it, learn to. There's never anything good that comes out of blatantly whining and complaining about doing something that you don't want to do. Honestly, I used to join a lot of stuff. If you learn to just have fun with it, rather than see it as an obligation, it becomes so much easier to parttake in all the stuff they have.

Part 3 - Never Good Enough
Now this rant is truly about myself, so it will probably bore you. But it's a problem with I think a lot of parents, especially Asian parents, these days. Whenever I seem to do something to the degree I think it's decent enough, my parents never ever praise me. Always a "learn to do ___ better" or a "you didn't do ___ right, fix it" or just "do better next time." I mowed my front/back lawn the other day, trimmed all the ends that were impossible to reach with the lawn mower, and sweeped the sidewalk of the grassy residue of cutting it. The next day, what do I get? A nice heaping serving of "fix it." I missed some weeds near the entrance and some weeds over by my mailbox. He then proceeded to tell me to re-sweep the sidewalk and pour the remaining grass into a trash bag. If he had bothered to tell me any of this prior to me actually doing the work, I would've been fine with it; a little complaining here or there but I would've done it and avoided all unnecessary comments that make me feel like craaaaaaaap. My dad always lectures me on how I don't do anything to the best of my ability, how I need to do better on it. It makes me feel rather terrible. It takes my self-esteem and just brutally maims it. Half the time, I tear/feel like crying. I always think, "Why am I not good enough?" They rarely take time to praise, rather prefer to criticize me to no end. My grades are fine, pretty good actually. My parents don't say much anymore about them because they know that. But since my grades are fine, they find something else to criticize; my lack of vocabulary/studying I've done for the SAT. I'm all fine and well with it 'cause I know I need to know a lot more for it. But being told every day I don't study that I need to study for the SAT is pretty overboard. I KNOW when I'm not good enough, I usually do. They criticized me so often when I was younger it's almost built in to push myself harder when I know I can do better, must do better. But there are times that I feel I did it completely fine and to the best of my ability where they just take the pride in what I had done, or the effort I've put into it, and make it seem as if I did it without a passing glance. "Oh mowing the lawn only takes 5 minutes, just do it quickly." It takes me a good 10 minutes to do a decent job, thanks. YOU try pushing around the freaking lawn mower, then using the trimmer that weighs like 30 pounds THEN bending down for another 10 minutes sweeping. It's not exactly fun. It just annoys me that they can never really praise me. They take time every once in a while; at a celebratory dinner, or when the report cards come in, and really enjoy showing my accomplishments off as if I'm a dog to others, but majority of the time, they find OTHER people to compare me with that are far better. "Oh he volunteered at a governor's office and got into Yale, so you should do that." I know I have to improve, I really do. But I'd prefer to take it on my own way and not have someone breathing down my back making sure I do everything perfectly. I LOVE to improvise. It's just how I am. If something goes wrong, I'm usually prepared to work with it and figure out a way to MAKE it work. I can make my own goals, I can make my own future, I don't have to have someone tell me what to do every waking second of my life and then criticize me about it when they don't tell me precisely what to do. I'm a self-improver, I'll follow my own style and do my own things. My parents just annoy me, and through this they've pushed me too far at certain points. When this criticizing/overanalyzation of myself gets bad enough, my self-esteem goes far below the point of people who want to commit suicide. I even start to think that maybe it'll be GOOD for everyone I know and for my parents if I do die sometime. It takes a massive amount of willpower to pull myself out of that too, and it may just be one day that it goes too low and my willpower is just not strong enough.

Part 4 - Hiding emotions
Sometimes there's emotions in me that I just don't like to show. For example, I've almost trained myself to be completely unable to be angry at almost anyone for almost any reason and if I DO get mad, recover rather quickly. But it's there, it's hidden under layers upon layers of self-control. Most of a lot of my stuff is. I always look happy, and usually it's not too hard to trick myself into feeling happy either. Put a smile on and laugh, and nothing can put you down. But it gets to be hard at a point. It works against me too. Those layers, when they break, all heck comes pushing through. I'll go through mood swings, write rants such as this, and feel ready to burst with emotions; from sadness to complete utter hyper explosion. It also takes an enormous amount of time for me to build up my walls and layers as well, and it's rather noticable when my mood has been changed; people ask me if I'm okay because I look so down. But I prefer it, it makes me rather relaxed with life for a great amount of time and at this point I'm unsure of whether or not I can go back anyways. It's hard, you get used to smiling at everything, even insults, and nothing seems to bother you; you start to feel invincible to emotion. But it all comes to an end sometime, which ends up being a low time. Wish there was an easier way to let it out. Which is why I use xanga and rant to let out a good deal of however I feel to ease my heart, thereby preventing further explosion.

Part 5 - Liking someone
It's really hard to like someone, ya know? It's kinda weird for me too, I usually see someone and instantly just pinpoint them as someone I like. There's basically little to no thought involved. I grow to be correct in it too; after I find out what their personality's like and all, I like them even more a majority of the time. But this weird thing I don't believe works. It takes a good while to get over the person too, and as of now I've only actually "like" liked 4 people in my life. It's weird, but it happens. Yet to figure out how exactly it works and if it's ever really accurate because I also have yet to have ever had a girlfriend, but that could just be my awkwardness/cowardliness/unwillingness to tell them =P Who knows, ya know.

Part 6 - The chaos that is NEXT YEAR
Next year, as I'm sure I've mentioned many times, will be living torture for me. I will either come out ready to take on so many new challenges from having grown from the ones I'll face, or I'll leave a lifeless shell ready to die. It's a risk I'm honestly willing to take. I'll be involved in a lot, but I think I'll have fun. The homework level should keep me quite busy though, although I have yet to hang out with anyone outside of school... XD Wish time lasted longer. Life would be so much nicer sometimes if we just had the time to relax AND do all the stuff there is in this world. But that's why it's this world, everything would be boring if we managed to do it all.

That's it. Anytime I think of something good, I should write it down on a pad and think about it...
Anyone have responses to those? Feel free to comment. & if you have a good idea of something for me to rant on, suggest it! I'm willing to think, thinking gives me so much more time to relax in a way and vent

Well. Haven't said much here on xanga in a while. I recently merged my xanga posts with my Facebook notes, so it should be receiving this RSS feed, so more people can stalk me =P

Life's been kinda blah... it's becoming a cycle again. I got a 67 on my chem test the other day though, that was great fun XD (my grade's still exceptionally high though)

Right now I'm busy at the middle of the night writing my English essay on "Americans are _____" still haven't chosen a topic so you really can't say I'm writing... I'm going with either diverse or arrogant.

On the other hand, I'm also rewriting my poem. We had to write some location poem at one point, and I wrote it but it turned out as failure so I'm rewriting it... still dunno how to go about that ;)

Since the end of the year's getting close, I've been slacking... like crazy. Half my homework isn't done properly, I never feel like paying attention, and I'm just too careless. At this rate, my grades have to stay stable before the end of the year so I can just pass finals and still maintain straight A's... hopefully. Just hopefully.

Meh. Life will go on. I'm also taking the SAT II Subject Tests on Math levels I and II! It looks simple enough, but a looooot of stuff I don't remember at all from around like 8th grade is going to be on there... fun.

I'm still not done my homework.

I recommend reading that book down there, Born to Rock. I read it in 3 days and thought it was a pretty good book, especially since I kinda had no expectations for it (really, just look at the cover). But all in all, good book, it kept me up until 12 last night :D

I should be doing my homework, but I started reading Prince of Tennis and now I'm almost done reading all 300+ chapters... hehehe

I keep feeling like after next year, there's no return. Ya know? Junior year is a giant mass of studying, trying to live, and all while having fun... and me and plenty of people I know are just so bitter towards the college system and the stupid SATs/ACTs. They just don't work in determining who's smartest, it basically just makes it easy to recruit those who spend their life studying for it, while those who are smart, who have potential, can be ignored. Blah. I've done a lot of arguing on that lately, it's pretty pent up.

On the same topic, that's my summer basically. Sitting around, trying to study while still trying to have some fun, although I dunno if I'll be able to reach a balance. I still have to do all that, and my parents said we're planning on travelling around a bit too... I also gotta volunteer and exercise my butt off since I haven't exercised since last summer and my metabolism's slowing. I CAN'T EAT AS MUCH!!! *GASP* :[

ANYWAAAAAAAAYS. I think I've ranted enough for today. Bai!